Diving: The Great American Pastime

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Has someone been reading my journal? Did I say my birthday wish out loud this year? Have my wildest dreams come true? Well hold on to your goggles, kids, because ABC has just ordered a celebrity diving competition show. Yes, my prayers have been answered.

That’s right, folks. No noodling around here, you guys. In no time at all, we will be treated to a television series where our favorite A-list (ha. ha. ha.) celebrities will jack knife their way into our hearts.  The show is modeled after Dutch competition show Celebrity Splash (a missed opportunity for alliteration, if you ask me) and will hopefully feature equal parts swan dives, Speedos and belly flops.  A selection of famous faces will perform a series of dives each week, with help from their handy mentors, only to be judged and eliminated by diving experts and America, alike.

Pool fans rejoice! Our Olympics hangover has been cured! Hairless bodies, tiny splashes and good old-fashioned suspense await us — and we don’t even have to hold out for 2016! Things to get psyched for, in no particular order: 

  • Aforementioned hairless bodies in aforementioned Speedos
  • Aforementioned swan dives and jack knifes (knives?)
  • Expert commentary (fingers crossed for Greg Louganis)
  • Those little washcloths
  • Cannonballs
  • People shouting, “Cannonballlll!!!!!!!!!!”
  • Quick dips in nearby hot tubs
  • Tiny splashes
  • Big splashes
  • Results show performances by Olympic synchronized swimming teams
  • Use of “Belly Flop” in related newspaper headlines
  • Sparkly bathing suits
  • Runny spray tans

Obviously this isn’t the first time TV networks have taken a dip in the celeb-competition pool (see what I did there?) We’ve been lucky enough to have a front row seat as stars tango, trapeze and sober up for our viewing pleasure. Some have been good (Celebrity MoleDancing with the StarsCelebrity Apprentice) some have been bad (Skating with the StarsI’m a Celebrity: Get Me Out of HereFamous Food) and some have been really bad (Stars Earn StripesCelebrity Circus, The Choice), but at least they’ve each been a little bit entertaining. Of course, it all depends on the cast.  Here’s my fantasy celebrity diving team revealed, in no particular order:

  • Gabby DouglasThe Olympian
  • Shia LabeoufThe Former Disney Star
  • Bella ThorneThe Current Disney Star
  • J.C. Chasez, The Boy-Bander
  • Dan Marino, The Pro-Baller (He was a Dolphin after all…)
  • Scott BaioThe 80s TV Heartthrob
  • Jodie Sweetin, The 90s TV Sweetheart
  • Dennis Rodman, The Wild Child
  • Sebastian BachThe Hard-Rocker (with a soft side)
  • Kenny G, The Soft-Rocker (with a hard side)
  • Bill Gates, The Billionaire
  • Corey FeldmanThe Former Child Star
  • Lindsay LohanThe combination Disney Star/Child Star/Wild Child

I think that’s a pretty good list, don’t you? I’ve covered all my bases and still left some room for additional Disney Stars.  And I don’t mean to toot my own horn, but with a list like this, the show has no reason NOT to succeed and win Outstanding Reality Competition Program at next year’s Emmy Awards (toot toot).

Please share your own fantasy celebrity diving team in the comments below and make sure to include just how excited you are to see this show.

While you’re at it, voice your choice in today’s poll and tell us which celebrity-driven reality show is your favorite:

Dancing with the Stars

Celebrity Apprentice

Stars Earn Stripes

The Choice 

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